Cédric and Sophie Barut, the testimony of an "unusual" marriageMarriage is "dynamic path of fulfillment" and not a "burden," says PopeHow I saved my marriageRecently in a conversation I had with a devastated man, he expressed: "I don't know what is going on but I don't like the fact that I take care of one man's children while my children are taken care of by another".
He came to me for guidance in times of confusion and pain. It had been a couple of years since he separated from his wife and both of them already had a new partner. At the time, they both thought their relationship was unsustainable and saw divorce as the only solution.
But their current reality screams at them that they did not bet on a real solution, but succumbed to the modern deception of immediate gratification.
Now they both want to go back. They wish they could be reunited but they are afraid.
Recognizing crises
In the face of crisis, we can either self-destruct or grow. Crisis involves facing unexpected circumstances for which we are unprepared. They come into our lives to make us aware of our strengths. But if we rush, we lose the opportunity to grow and, paralyzed, we opt for what appears as an immediate solution. In marital crises, we may be haunted by the phrase: "I'm leaving today" or "You're leaving now! But it is necessary that we opt for real solutions, that we choose to grow and not to victimize ourselves.
Saving the marriage
So I ask that if you are going through a crisis in your marriage, you stop before making any decisions and consider this path of blessing for both of you, for all of your marriage, and for all of your life. family.
- First of all, to save your marriage you have to want it: a little willingness and with the right tools, you will take your relationship to an enviable level. Stop. Think that you don't really want to end your marriage, but rather the problems in it.
- There are many reasons for wanting to save your marriage: the good of your children (studies support the conviction that the best psychological and emotional development of children occurs in homes where mom and dad love each other); the good of the couple itself (there is ample evidence that a well-matched marriage feels good physically and emotionally); and the good of society (the social fabric is broken down in many ways by divorce and separation).
- Making decisions in the midst of conflict is a mistake with serious consequences: calm down, there is no hurry. Tell your spouse: "I need help and I will seek it".
- Nourish hope: to think that it is not possible to live together in peace under the same roof is a delusion. Everything has a solution with a sincere effort and with God's help.
- Avoid accusations: it does not work at all to be underlining everything that the other does wrong under the eyes of the spouse who feels frustrated. The best thing to do is to think carefully about the personal changes that need to be made, recognizing that no human being is perfect, neither are we. I can commit myself to changes in my own behavior. If I have vices, accept with peace that they are hurting me and those I should love the most. Work to replace those vices with their equivalent virtues. Seek personal help before proposing couples therapy.
- To cleanse the heart of all kinds of grievances: to know how to forgive, to act as if the offense had not occurred, to stop anchoring oneself in the past and to decide to improve in the present.
- Persevere in the fight: your marriage needs you. Even if the other has declared that he or she no longer loves you or can do nothing, you are on the team of Jesus Christ who said firmly: "what God has joined together let no man put asunder" (Mt 19, 4-6). It is not about begging for love, but giving it with maturity. We should not encourage codependency but work to become the best version of ourselves. It is about bringing marriage to a joyful maturity in love.
- Lean on God: turn to the expert in love. Let us pray and ask for prayers from those who love us. Let there be no doubt: God wants unity.
A new conquest must be undertaken. Dedicate yourself to falling in love with your spouse every day. Stop seeing what he does not give you and start giving what you have stopped giving because of your own resentments.
Fulfill your own responsibility and put the rest in God's hands. Do you want the good wine of love to reach your home? Do your part, fill the water jars to the brim and God will work the miracle.
