I discovered this book thanks to Pierluigi Bartolomei. It was about three years ago, in Rome, when I attended a talk of his. He struck me as a nice and outgoing Roman, a guy with a mixture of Dante's fire and Alberto Sordi's mischievousness. And since he is also a school principal, married and the father of several children, he was the perfect candidate to talk about marriage.
Pierluigi had a good relationship with his wife and they were happy with the children. But she had been complaining for some time that he didn't tell her that he loved her. Pierluigi did not understand: he worked a lot, he supported her in the house, he played with the children, what else could he do to show his love for her? One day his wife passed him a book:
-If you want to understand me, read this," he said.
It was about "The five love languages"by Gary Chapman. He received the copy with some astonishment... and put it off. He told himself that he had plenty of experience in the marriage business, that he didn't need any prescriptions, and left the book on the bedside table as if to give the impression that he would read it someday.
So the little book remained there, gathering dust. Until the woman counterattacked: she took out all the magazines in the bathroom and replaced them with the book. It was a perfect ambush. Without realizing it, Pierluigi kept reading and reading, and in a few days he had devoured the book. This fact, he says, apparently banal, transformed his marriage. And then it catapulted him to give lectures all over Italy, because he felt called to transmit Chapman's ideas, adapted by him, to all the people who would listen to him.
Ever since I heard this anecdote, I was left with a thorn in my side. Some time later I read the book and, indeed, I was fascinated. The plot is simple, 188 pages long and gives sensational clues. The author presents five love languages, illustrated with numerous examples taken from real life. It is not a book written for marriage scholars, says Chapman, but for those who live in it.
The concept of the book is that love has "languages," that is, it has different ways of expressing itself depending on one's personality. The author proposes that there are five main languages: Words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service and physical contact. We all like to be spoken to in all five languages, of course, but we usually have a preference for one or two that we value much more than the others. Discovering one's own languages, and even more so those of the other, can be extremely useful knowledge.
The biggest challenge is to find out what is the preferred language of the spouse (or children, friends, etc.), so that we are able to better express our love. Surprises are guaranteed, because it is quite possible that you have not stopped long enough to learn the other person's language. And by loving according to the other person's language we can much more effectively fill their tank of love and emotional well-being.
All this may seem paradoxical. At a time when young people place their trust in the feelings of infatuation, does it make sense for a proposal of make an effort to learn to love with quality? Unfortunately, says Chapman, according to statistics, the period of falling in love, where everything looks rosy, does not last more than two years. What comes after that is love as a decision, that is, it depends on a daily effort to keep the fire of affection burning.
Anyone who aspires to have a lasting bond should learn to love and always renew himself in this endeavor; he should be interested in the art of channeling the energies of affection well so that the relationship prospers and matures. Love cannot be left to the impulses of emotion, but must grow as the result of a work of reason and will, always with the help of God. "The five love languages"I found it to be a simple, entertaining and effective little book. Although it is from 1992, this title is still selling like hot cakes: it has been translated into 50 languages, has sold 20 million copies in English and is in the 30th place of Amazon's bestsellers. It's wild. It is that the author touched a key that everyone is interested in. Married couples and anyone who has the illusion of loving someone. Pierluigi Bartolomei, for his part, read this little book and his marriage improved radically. And you, what are you waiting for?
