A famous nineteenth-century song composed by university students in Santiago de Compostela reads: "Sad and alone, alone remains Fonseca". Sadness and loneliness invade our homes in a way unknown in the history of the West, because the value, structure and nature of what a family should be has never been so disintegrated. Like all things, this one has an instruction manual, which we have now taken to not reading: we are putting metal containers to heat milk in the microwave.
Thank God, the exceptions to this cultural paradigm are many and good. The motto Accompanying in solitude which has been chosen by the Episcopal Conference in this 2020 Campaign for the Sick, and whose material is the basis of this reflection, brings us face to face with the loneliness of many elderly people. In Spain, more than two million!
When they were born, the social situation was difficult. They faced a war and post-war situation that clearly marked their character and their way of understanding life. In those circumstances, it was necessary to help each other in times of great need and hardship. Families shared the hardship: all family members helped each other. Emigration to the big cities for the future of the young demanded the cooperation of all: grandparents, parents and children. The elderly were cared for, looked after and respected in their old age in their own homes until death came to them. In that structure, the family became the key, assuming a great sacrifice. It was a time with fewer medical, technical and social solutions, which were replaced by the greatest asset that existed: people.
Elderly: When the world comes crashing down on them
My parish is in the center of Madrid and this is the picture that most of the parishioners paint for you. "experienced young people" (that's what I call them) when they tell you about their lives. We visit many of them in their homes, and the statistic holds true: many live alone. Now, their best companion is a flap with a red button, which on the bedside table takes on a larger shape to contain the microphone alert in case something happens.
I once had an elderly person come in who puzzled me. He was self-sufficient, had a great career and a seemingly full life. But when he came home in the afternoon/evening, the world came crashing down on him.
Social support and accompaniment measures and new techniques allow them to continue living at home: nowhere like at home. This is undoubtedly a major plus. And the fact is that the elderly do not want to bother. They are afraid of becoming, if there are any, a nuisance for their children, already grown up, who have a life absolutely collapsed by their commitments.
For those who have a more comfortable financial situation, the absence of the child's parents can be made up for with a domestic service person, or someone who comes from the social services of the municipality to wash the children or do the housework. This is a great help for many, no doubt, but it does not necessarily imply a real companionship: in most cases it is simply a functional solution.
Feeling understood
Certainly the most necessary thing for an elderly person living alone is to feel understood, a task that is not always easy. It requires listening, patience and above all time. And with our usual accelerations, they seem like three gifts of a bygone time, when there were no social networks. But the fact is that we all, children, young people, adults and the elderly, need and live from these wonderful gifts that only people can give us and which make us human. When we take care of the three aspects, and we give them, we call that affection. Because its foundation is love. And if our source is a love without limits, like God's, we will understand that those three gifts are the ones that He always gives us. That is why it is important to give them to others, especially when they are most needed.
In the parish we have organized visits to people living alone in their homes. On the one hand, the Legion of Mary carries out a precious apostolate of visiting them; from Caritas we support some of them; the team of Communion for the sick visits them once a week; we priests go once a month to hear their confessions and bring them Communion.
But we have many more in the neighborhood. A couple of years ago we launched a campaign to encourage the parishioners to take care of those living alone in their neighborhood community who did not want spiritual care; the parish offered to visit whoever wanted to. At the same time, we organized a volunteer program to carry out the visits, and quite a number of people signed up. The first aspect was a failure: there is a fear of opening the door to strangers. There are certainly many cases of people who have taken advantage of the weakness of the elderly and robbed them. Mistrust and fear close the doors not only physically, but also of the heart. And that is where loneliness becomes a real hell.
Despite the difficulties, the path is clear: we must accompany in solitude.
