The authors of 'Marriage for Nonconformists' make it clear that "there will be compromises, as in any human relationship, but marriage is for enjoyment". But neither should an unrealistically 'happy' marriage be presented, in which no mention is made of challenges.
They consciously repeat one word, "lovers.". They love the term "lovers" because "that's what we spouses are: experts at loving and letting ourselves be loved," they say.
A flash on the authors of this book, edited by RialpTrini Puente has directed educational centers for 20 years, and is director of the 2rd cabinet. And her husband, Alberto Baselga, has a master's degree in Promotion and Sexual Health from the Uned. Both have a master's degree in Marriage and Family from the University of Navarra and are professors at the UIC in Barcelona. Antonio Tormo, director and scriptwriter of more than 50 documentaries, has just passed away.
Neither in the book nor in the interview they avoid any topic, for example, sexuality, "nuclear in marriage", or the need to "recover the tenderness and the looks of love". To expand, these are her Instagram accounts, @lonuestro.infoand on Facebook, lonuestro.info.
Let's get to the conversation.
His book is written by six hands. Talk a little about the third co-author, Antonio Tormo, a man of cinema.
-Antonio has been a great friend, teacher and confidant, and he has just passed away. We met many years ago, but we never imagined that we would write a book together. When we started working on the book, his health had already begun to deteriorate.
We felt privileged to have shared so many meetings, chatting about the book, about the good we wanted to do and how to get it there. In his unwavering optimism, he used to say: "Let it be a timeless book. That, years from now, if someone reads it, nothing will sound old to them."
He was a man of great faith, and now that faith has been confirmed. He had a deep love for God and Our Lady. He was a person without prejudice, who wanted to help everyone, regardless of whether or not they shared his ideas. We thank God for having found him on our path and for having accepted us as his apprentices.
We also thank professors Jaime Nubiola, Lucas Buch and José Brage who helped us with recommendations and clarifications. And of course to all the friends who read the manuscript and gave their opinion.
Marriage is to be enjoyed, you reiterate. The desire to love and be loved, and for life. And yet, the social perspective is often quite negative.
- We always say that marriage is for enjoyment, not for bitterness. There will be compromises, as in any human relationship, but to exaggerate that aspect is a mistake. Neither should an unrealistically 'happy' marriage be presented, in which challenges are not mentioned, or if they are presented, solutions are offered that are not useful because of their simplicity, but that inexperienced people take as true.
This is dangerous because it creates expectations that are not real. Young people are enthused without verifying if they have the formation and the necessary qualities to live marriage to the fullest. It is not a matter of motivating them, but of forming them in the truth. And the truth is sufficiently attractive, for those who have this vocation, to enthuse them.
There is a word they repeat a lot, and it seems consciously. Lovers. Love stories.
- We love the word "lovers" because that is what we spouses are: experts in loving and letting ourselves be loved. It is a word that we must recover to define those married couples who struggle every day to increase their love.
Knowing how to be happy is key in life and, of course, in marriage. In the book we include real life examples of people who have or have not known how to be happy. First you have to desire happiness and then put in place the means to achieve it. This is an important theme that we develop in depth.
How to have good sex in marriage, is the title of one section. We ask you.
- This book is intended for believers and non-believers alike. Sometimes, on our Instagram, we get asked, "As Catholics, what should we do in sexuality?" What many don't know is that God has placed sexuality in human beings and has given us the instructions through revelation. We know what makes us happy and what does not. What we Catholics must do is to make this message known without putting God as an excuse, using the intelligence He has given us. Since this message is for all mankind, not only for Catholics, isn't it?
The first thing is to see sexuality as something clean, willed by God. In the book we explain that sex is meant for marriage, and only in this context is it truly fulfilling. Outside of it, you do not receive the benefits that God has prepared and it does not make you a better person. In marriage, on the other hand, it does. Good sex in marriage makes you a better person. At Marriage for nonconformistsWe stop to explain it in detail because, said in this way, it is surprising. It seems that sex is something permitted, consented to, in marriage, but not something holy and desired by God.
To despise sex is to despise something fundamental to human nature, they say.
- We go a step further and say that, to a certain extent, to despise sex is to do God a disservice. As we mentioned before, God has placed sex in the world for marriage, and when it is used outside of it, it is detracted from. We must recover that clean look towards what is a divine gift, a means to give glory to God within marriage.
Satisfactory sexual relations, enjoyed by both partners, strengthen the marriage. They help to forgive more easily, increase complicity, and facilitate the education of children, since the couple better understands each other's point of view. Enjoying sex in marriage is not something minor; those of us who have experienced it know that it strengthens mutual understanding and affection.
What about when you turn one year older? Male and female sexuality are different.
- Indeed, male and female sexuality are very different, and in the book we address this topic in depth, explaining it from a scientific point of view. We analyze the male and female brain, exploring where sexual desire resides and what differences exist between the two. We also analyze how everyday concerns affect desire. It's not just a question of education; there is an important biological basis.
Over the years, these differences become more pronounced, so it is essential to get to know each other well and talk openly about what each of you likes. A good tip for married couples is to schedule intimate encounters. This does not detract from spontaneity, but allows you to prepare the ground and disconnect the brain to enjoy the moment.
The more we talk about sex in marriage, the easier it will be to explain it to our children. We also discuss in the book how to approach the subject of sexuality with children.
Oral sex, the so-called sex toys, anal sex. In the book they talk about it openly. Some practices are sold as if it were Disneyland.
- Many young people believe that certain practices are forbidden to them because they are Catholic, such as anal sex. In this book, we address this issue bluntly, explaining what this practice consists of, so that each person can reflect on whether it is something good in itself or a bad use of their sexuality.
Although in pornography, both visual and written, it is presented as something appetizing and natural, our vision is quite different. Here we explain the preparations, risks and consequences that many people are unaware of.
We know that this chapter may come as a surprise, but we believe it is necessary to speak honestly. It is important for anyone to have a clear understanding of what anal intercourse is all about, and for our young people to have access to the right information to decide for themselves whether or not this practice enhances their sexuality.
Children. Birth rates are very low in the Western world, with some exceptions. One suffers with this issue. Some consideration of natural methods.
- It was another subject that took us many hours to discuss and meditate on. It cannot be trivialized. Contraceptive methods have taken hold in society and among Catholics. Having a large family is seen as irresponsible or something complicated to advise.
Natural methods were intended as a way to learn about a woman's fertility rhythms and to better understand her sexuality, not to compete in effectiveness with the pill, condoms, IUDs, etc.
The use of natural methods is something very intimate in the couple and of conscience. The number of children is something that concerns the conscience of the spouses. Hence the importance of forming their conscience well. To trivialize it from one extreme or the other is to oversimplify an issue that must be resolved by the couple. In the book we try to deal with it objectively.
In your book you talk about phases of love in marriage, childhood, adolescence, maturity. Can you explain this for a moment?
- Marriage, married life, is not something static and immutable; it is like people, who go through childhood, adolescence and maturity. Childhood represents the early days, when everything is easy and we are ready for anything. Then come the mortgage, children, daily coexistence, work, political families, etc., factors that make us enter a complicated stage. It is what we call the adolescence of love. Depending on the case, this stage will be more or less complicated.
Without going through this stage, mature or true love will never be achieved. We must try to go through this phase in the best possible way and mature our love as soon as possible. As in biological adolescence, there will be people - in this case, married couples - who will remain in adolescence all their lives, without reaching true love. On the contrary, others will overcome this stage soon and come to enjoy their marriage quickly.
A good formation and a good accompaniment will make many marriages happy and set an example to their children and to society.
Marriage breakups are frequent, despite the fact that the bride and groom, when they got married, only had eyes for their wife or husband. How do you keep your heart? They talk about infidelities...
- Marriage is the most complicated relationship, but it is the only one that leads to true love. Just because it is natural does not mean that it is easy. Jesus reproaches the Pharisees for having adapted marriage to their needs. Haven't we done the same?
In order for everyone to fit in, have we not lowered our standards, allowing married couples to settle for a flat and shallow married life? We speak of the original marriage, that which is in the core of the human being and which leads him or her to give glory to God.
The bride and groom, once married, must take care of that love and be accompanied by couples who enjoy their relationship or by trained people with the necessary knowledge to help them. It is necessary to make a real transformation in marriage preparation.
As for infidelities, it seems that only sexual infidelity is mentioned. In the book, we mention some others, such as infidelity of the heart. This consists of closing oneself to the other, not accepting anything he or she offers. In some cases, we pretend to have a 'happy marriage', but deep down in our hearts we are closed to love. There are many cases that we describe in the book, and we also deal with more infidelities that complicate the path to true love.
The penultimate one: How do you 'recover' the wife, or husband, in marriage? Perhaps we have experienced it. What is your recipe?
- There is no magic formula, but what is essential is the willingness of both parties to heal and strengthen the relationship. It is about remembering the love that once united you and that, over time, may have been neglected.
In our book, we offer some practical advice, such as learning to express each other's needs. Often, marriages that run into difficulties are not only due to selfishness, but also to lack of communication or poor advice.
It is important that both parties understand the mistakes they may have made and, with mutual support, work to fix them. The good news is that most problems can be solved, as long as there is commitment and a sincere desire to regain love.
And the last one. It is moving to see you talk about tenderness, about the look... The world is hard, sometimes implacable. Happy marriages improve society, they conclude.
- Our objective with this book is to make marriages happy and therefore stable. What good are stable marriages if they are not happy? Bright and cheerful homes begin with happy marriages. Maintaining them is relatively easy. Striving for happiness is what makes the difference. Tenderness and loving glances must be recovered. In our book we try to explain how.
Tenderness and glances are not sentimentality, they are the food for love. The real transformation of our society will be made by happy marriages.
