Argüello: "The vocation most in crisis in Spain is marriage".The Catechism of the Catholic ChurchIn its No. 1808, it states that "Fortitude is the moral virtue that assures firmness and constancy in the pursuit of the good in difficulties. It reaffirms the resolution to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life. The virtue of fortitude makes one capable of overcoming fear, even of death, and of facing trials and persecutions. It enables one to go so far as to renounce and sacrifice one's life to defend a just cause (...)".
Are we born strong or do we become strong? Rather the latter, especially in the case of human beings, who come into the world absolutely dependent on others for their survival. It is as one acquires experience of life - that is why it is a virtue, that is, a good operative habit - that one becomes strong.
We are interested in emphasizing what is stated in the above-mentioned point: the one who, having contracted a marriage, seeks the good, wants to preserve it in its authenticity and beautydoing whatever it takes to keep your marriage fresh, no matter what it takes, and becoming strong enough to face setbacks.
In prosperity and in adversity...
In the rite of canonical marriage, the future spouses commit themselves to remain faithful to each other in prosperity and adversity; in other words, they assume that their marriage will be difficult, that there will be suffering, but that they will still be faithful to their commitment of love.
In marriage storms appear, but after the storm clouds the sun reappears. That is why when sailors see the winds coming, they prepare themselves to fight against adversity with all their strength, because they know that they will always win in the end and the sea will become calm again; they sail against all odds in the hope that they will find a peaceful, navigable sea.
The same thing happens in marriage: after a setback, well managed, comes the overcoming, and that is where one recognizes the fruit of fidelity to the yes given at the time of contracting it; and that is where one recognizes the beauty of corresponding to love even at the cost of life's setbacks, putting effort and trust, hoping.
Unity and communication
The strength of marriage lies in its unity, in the fact that the spouses feel that they are a single reality. For that reason it is convenient to share - to communicate - the difficulties as if the problem of the other one was also with you. Ask him/her about its meaning, about what it represents, and try to put yourself in his/her place.
We may be able to make sounds, but communicating goes much further. We need to know how to express our ideas without hurting others, describing our point of view, starting with "I" and ending with "we", and expressing our feelings and affections.
Active listening, even more important and necessary than speaking, requires an apprenticeship: paying and maintaining attention, and making sure that the other feels listened to and taken into account. This is difficult, and it is often necessary to "do violence to oneself", from a position of strength, to achieve it.
In marriage it is important to learn to listen to feelings. Focus on what the spouse feels rather than what he or she says. In the sentence "John -a son- is unbearable; I can't take it anymore!", the important thing is not "John is unbearable", but "I can't take it anymore"; and before addressing John's problem, you have to empathize with your spouse's feeling: "You are right: there is no one who can stand it" What can we do?". And that exercise usually requires effort.
Respect, understanding, and care for the little things.
Respect is essential in itself. To take into account the questions and approaches of others, giving them at least the same value or more than one's own ideas. Not to impose one's thoughts, nor to transform one's opinions into dogmas.
Always prioritize the spouse. It is the one who gives meaning to the very existence of the marriage and of each of the spouses. Not to put the desires of others before those of one's own spouse, being prudent, and of course never taking sides against him or her or limiting oneself to "being neutral". Try to put yourself in the other's place. What it means to him or her. That costs...
Taking care of the smallest details of living together, with the constant sacrifice that this requires. We all know that the greatness of things is in the details. On the other hand, if you are careful with the small gestures, you will be preparing yourself for more challenging challenges, and that in marriage finds its space and is a guarantee of fidelity, which is happiness.
Serenity and good humor
Arguing in married life, which will sometimes be necessary, should always be done with serenity: it is appreciated by oneself and by the spouse with whom one has argued. It is a matter of applying a balance between reason and heart, something that often requires effort.
If a spouse feels a strong emotion, it is best to let it flow without manipulating it and, when it has subsided, confront the cause of the disagreement.
And in any case, to laugh a little at life, without dramatizing, without absolutizing excessively. Laughing "with" and not "at" unites much more than we think. But sometimes it is difficult and it is necessary to make an effort to achieve it.
It has been proven that verbal complaints weaken us and infect others with negative attitudes. It is better to look for something positive and not to insist on things that do not provide solutions or do not help to lift our spirits.
Even so, when one hears complaints from one's spouse, one had better think that, in marriage, complaints are often not reproaches, but requests, which, again, invites us to be strong and fight the complaining attitude, more typical of pettiness than of sanity and positivity.
