The adventure of being engagedEngagement is a first commitment -fine and loyal-; a period of discernment in which the bride and groom are called to reach a mutual knowledge in order to choose well, to make the right choice, to be right in love. For those who have been called to marriage, happiness depends, to a great extent, on the choice of the person with whom one will share the rest of one's life. For this reason, the time of mutual knowledge in courtship is important, for no one loves what he or she does not know.
This knowledge, progressive and deep, will help to understand the character, virtues and defects of the other person, as well as his or her tastes, interests and aspirations. These elements make up the person, and will help to discern in view of the possible future marriage. That is why it is important to communicate the most intimate of the heart and those secrets that can influence the life of both. Dating, far from individualism, is a relationship between two people who love each other - feel loved - and want the best for each other.
Transparency and the virtue of truthfulness are fundamental to getting to know each other. Truth or truthfulness is the virtue of being truthful in one's actions and speaking the truth in one's words, avoiding duplicity, simulation and hypocrisy. (Catechism of the Catholic Church n. 2468). Transparency and truthfulness are important because sometimes affection can make it difficult to see the faults of the one we love. In this sense, if we wish to build a holy courtship - leading to a holy marriage - we must build it on solid foundations, in truth. This is what Jesus tells us in that parable: And the rain fell, and the floods overflowed, and the winds blew and beat upon the house; but it did not sink, for it was founded on rock. (Mt 7, 25). Building on rock, in truth, is a foundation for establishing solid and lasting relationships.
What should be taken into account to get to know each other better?
Here are some tips to reach this progressive and deep knowledge:
- He knows his friends, since in general, the friendship is among peers, or among people who are very similar. It will also be significant if you have few or no friends.
- In most cases people are a reflection of their parents and their environment. That's why it's a good idea for the bride and groom to get to know each other's family; it may help to ask your loved ones how they see that person.
- As the courtship is consolidated and in view of a possible future marriage, there are certain fundamental issues that need to be discussed in order to get to know the other as a whole person. For example:
- Personality issues. How they will accept and help each other taking into account the different temperaments, character and defects; if they will be willing to fight to correct each other in whatever is necessary for the good of both. You can ask yourself: does he/she listen to me, is he/she an empathetic person, does he/she help me to get the best out of myself, am I able to make important decisions with him/her without anger?
- Professional subject. How they will respect each other's work, professional development and growth. What is their priority when forming a family with respect to work, money or professional success. How the family economy will be managed.
- Sexuality, marriage and family issues. How they will live the virtue of holy purity in courtship; discuss the number of children, what kind of education they would want; what will happen if they cannot have children or if one of them is born with a disease. Considering each other's families, how they will be respected, accepted and loved. How they will be organized with household chores.
- Topics of friendships, relaxation and hobbies. How they will integrate their friends into the courtship. How each will continue with their hobbies and sports.
- Religious and spiritual approaches. If he believes in God; if he believes in the Catholic Church; if he thinks it is important to practice the sacraments and prayer; what he thinks about spiritual accompaniment and respect for time and space for personal formation.
As you reflect on these issues, you will surely notice that getting to know a person takes time and is not something immediate. It is important to take into consideration that, in general, marriages that arise from very short engagements tend to be conflictive. Therefore, it is worth dedicating quality time and getting to know each other well, because solid courtships end in solid marriages.
Bachelor of Theology from the University of Navarra. Licentiate in Spiritual Theology from the University of the Holy Cross, Rome.
