Mª Pilar Lacorte: "We can all, in some way, be families that accompany other families".Learning to accompany familiesThe name of María Álvarez de las Asturias is well known in the world of assistance, accompaniment and matrimonial formation. Her extensive experience in this field endorses her: she has been Defender of the Bond and Promoter of Justice of the Ecclesiastical Tribunal of Madrid and professor at various universities. For more than 10 years, she has been dedicated to counseling and training on courtship, prevention and resolution of difficulties and canonical Marriage Law in the Coincidir Institute.
Álvarez de las Asturias is one of the speakers at the I International Workshop on Family Accompaniment, promoted by the Institute of Higher Studies of the Family of the International University of Catalonia where he will share "my work experience in the Coincidir Institute: the difficulties we have had and still have, what answers we offer to those who come, how we accompany from Coincidir..., etc., etc. It makes me very excited to transmit this know-how to people who want to be trained in accompaniment".
In recent decades, there has been talk of "family crisis", but shouldn't we be talking about personal crises that directly affect the family project?
-In what period of time has there not been talk of a crisis in the family? I believe that the family is a living being and, therefore, it is always "in crisis" because it changes and grows. Undoubtedly, nowadays two things are united: crisis of the person and crisis of the family. The loss of bonds, the rupture of the relationship with the past and history, with everything that forms us and gives us our identity, makes people more lost and in crisis... And a lost person will hardly be able to form a family in conditions.
In the work of counseling and training of families today, what kind of cases do we encounter? Do they come only in times of crisis or almost irresolvable problems or are there also those who come to this type of training to promote a healthy marriage / family?
-When we started work on the Match Almost only people with problems and, above all, those who had already made the decision to separate came to us. I remember we would get calls from acquaintances asking us, 'Can you help this person? They are going to separate'. We always replied that the problem is not in the separation but in the origin of the distance that has brought them to this moment.
During these years of work we have wanted to sow the idea that a crisis is not necessarily a reason for rupture. There is a problem that causes an imbalance in the family stability -that is the definition of crisis, the imbalance-, if it is fixed it is a crisis of growth and, if we cannot solve it, the distance between the couple begins. That time, in which the distance in the couple can be enlarged, is the moment to turn to preventive mediation to help to solve the problems, to strengthen the relationship and to avoid to arrive to a rupture.
At the beginning, the people who came were already at this point of thinking about separation, but, with time, more and more families come who do not wait for the limit situation but come when something starts to not work. It is solved sooner. This is a joy because this is our proposal of accompaniment. We see with satisfaction that families come to solve difficulties or to improve in some aspect. I remember a couple to whom I had given classes in the marriage preparation course and they called me months later. I was a bit scared, to be honest, but they explained to me that they had remembered that I had told them to call me if they had a difficulty that they could not solve on their own: they had realized that they did not know how to argue. They started some communication sessions, learned tricks and techniques..., and solved this aspect.
More and more people are asking us for training to know how to prepare for marriage or how to live better relationships: friendship, courtship... In this sense, the publication of books such as Una decisión original or Mas que juntos have helped a lot.
What changes and what does not change in what we know as "family model"? Is there only one family model?
-I don't like to go into the comparison of family "models". I do like to propose a family model that has some elements that I consider to be the best for all the members. The family model based on natural law: man and woman in a loving relationship forever. It is better for the couple, in the first place, because it provides emotional and psychological stability. It is better for the children because they have a father and mother present in their lives and in a loving relationship. And it is better because this relationship, based on a union that is born to be lived forever, facilitates and "wraps" the attention to the most fragile members of the family.
We live in an "instagram society" in which what is not "considered perfect" is filtered. In this sense, how do false expectations affect: marriage, happiness, children, perfection of the couple... in the family?
-I think they affect a lot. That's one of the difficulties to point out right now to those who are getting married. Not long ago, I asked through Instagram what to say to couples to get them interested in marriage, and not a few answers were along the lines of showing real families. And it's very important, because the perfect family of all handsome, clean and with the house always tidy, doesn't exist. We are people, limited and fragile. If we want to achieve perfection in a relationship we will be frustrated because we will not be able to.
The management of expectations is, therefore, very important. It is key, in this sense, to live a good relationship in order to know the other person and to know ourselves also in our weaknesses. If you directly enter into cohabitation you have missed the possibility of knowing that weakness and adjusting your expectations to the reality of what the other person is. It is true that we improve, but, essentially, human beings do not change.
Apart from this, comparing ourselves with others is very bad. We don't know what others are going through and they don't have to explain to us what is going on at home. It is much better to focus on living our marriage and our family well without putting obligations on ourselves that are not necessary. We have to go back to the essentials.
The Pope in Amoris Laetitia explains that the other loves you as he/she is, and as he/she can, with imperfections, but that does not mean that it is not a real love. We have to show real love and real marriage, which is imperfect and that's okay!
For someone who has known situations and families of all kinds, does faith bring something to the family?
-I think it brings a lot. If we talk about love relationships, knowing God, who is love, changes everything, in joy and in difficulty. It is about living always accompanied by Someone you know is present, Someone to whom you can turn to recharge your love, to be able to give it to others; Someone to whom you can turn to have that companionship in difficulties, which does not necessarily mean that he solves your difficulties, but they are experienced in a different way.
In an "unfriendly" family environment, what allies can you count on?
Here we can paraphrase what St. John Paul II said in Cuatrovientos about being modern and faithful to Christ... well, in the case of the family we can show that we can be modern and happy in marriage. Marriage is a very good invention and many ordinary people are very happy in marriage.
I also think that another ally is the 'attraction by healthy envy'. That thing that many people say to you 'I would want what you are living, but I don't see myself capable, it's too hard for me'... Welcome to the club! It may seem difficult to all of us, but the reality is that living marriage well is possible.
Another ally is the accompaniment in its various forms, each one the one that best suits him or her: marriage groups, friends or professional accompaniment.
You are a regular speaker at conferences and training sessions for families and guidance counselors... What do you share in these sessions, such as the next one in Barcelona?
- Most of the conferences and sessions in which I participate refer to topics of courtship, marriage, accompaniment... I believe that, mainly, I contribute with my training and experience in Canon Marriage Law, which is a peculiarity that contributes a lot. It is true that I adapt the contents according to the audience and the topic, because it is not the same to talk to lawyers about nullity processes as it is to talk to young people who are not even in a courtship yet. But the background is always the same, trying to transmit the truth about marriage and how to help people living any kind of situation.
Since we started working in Match the focus of our work has been on mediation as a means of resolving difficulties and preventing marital breakups. Working with couples when they begin to notice that certain aspects of their relationship are going through difficulties that they cannot solve by themselves. In this way we avoid that these difficulties become entrenched and cause wounds and problems that begin to make them think about a breakup.
I would emphasize the importance of formation for the engagement. It is worthwhile to make younger couples see what they can find in marriage, so that they are realistic, so that they know that marriage is a great invention but that, throughout life, they will encounter difficulties, so that they are not afraid of this and, above all, that they have tools so that, when they encounter a problem they know how to face it and, if they cannot solve it alone, they know that there is professional help and that they do not get scared if they have to turn to it.
