Cédric and Sophie Barut, the testimony of an "unusual" marriageChristian marriage: a great hopeMiguel Angel Martín Cárdaba has a PhD in Communication and a degree in Philosophy. His experience with young people made him realize that love has become so romanticized that, in the face of marriage, many have false expectations that lead them to fail in their relationship.
With the goal of helping people succeed, he has published "Why others will fail in love... but you won't."The first chapters will seem pessimistic to all those romantics who love love love. The first chapters will seem pessimistic to all those romantics who love love the love of HollywoodBut when you finish the book you discover that the author really believes in love, but in real love.
In this interview with Omnes, Miguel Ángel Martín Cárdaba talks about false expectations in marriage, the difference between falling in love and love, and the reasons why he has written this book.
Your book might seem a bit pessimistic at first, despite the title. It offers scientific studies on the reasons why "love ends" and does not hide the high rate of relationship failures, why did you choose precisely that way of telling things?
- I believe that the first thing you need to do in order not to fail at something is to have the right expectation. The most guaranteed formula for failure is not knowing the dangers and difficulties. What I wanted with the book was to draw a map where you can see both the treasure and the dangers along the way.
Do you believe then that romantics, with their expectations in love, can have successful marriages?
- This new romantic generation has to change the perspective a bit and I would like my book to work as a vaccine or antidote against a "romantic" and sentimental vision of love. That is a vision that, in my opinion, incapacitates you to succeed.
Why have we romanticized love so much that we have lost sight of the reality of marriage?
- Initially, marriage was not understood as a relationship in which the most important thing is the feeling, that came with Romanticism, a period in which love and infatuation were identified, thus confusing many later generations. In the book I try to separate these two concepts, which together confuse but separately can enrich us.
What is the difference between infatuation and love?
- Falling in love is the most dramatic and apt part of a story. All the romantic stories we consume today are not really love stories, but falling in love stories. Real love stories start when the movie ends. The love part is more prosaic, more day-to-day and less entertaining to tell, even though it is fascinating to live it.
Feeling and love are closely related, and feeling is part of the experience of love. Many acts of love are provoked by feelings and there are feelings that lead to acts of love, but they are different things.
Falling in love is passive, it is something that happens. However, love is active, it is a decision. You can decide to love another, to sacrifice yourself for the other person, to seek their good above your own, without basing it on your feelings. Falling in love is selfish and easy, but love is devoted and effortful. On the other hand, feeling changes, while love, as an act of the will, is lasting.
It is true that falling in love is a very beautiful and magical part, but the true conception of love is even more magical.
The beginning of the book is discouraging, because it offers many figures and results of studies that can break the pretty picture we have of marriage. How do you encourage the reader to continue with the book to get to what it offers at the end?
- The first part of the book is a "dose of reality" and may be difficult for some to tolerate. That is why at the beginning of the whole I put a disclaimer assuring you that I believe in love. The message of the book overall is hopeful and the second part of the book is even optimistic, but first you have to dismantle the misleading ideas that are nice to believe but make it very difficult for you to succeed in marriage.
I think of the book as a medicine. You don't like the taste, but it's good to take it and when you look back you're even grateful that someone gave you that "dose of reality".
In the book you expose heartbreaking cases of couples that break up, why is it that so many people do not succeed in love?
- The initial feeling of infatuation cannot last infinitely. The feeling fades but the key is to understand that this infatuation is not love. When the feeling does not go with you, you have to make an effort and that is the key to success in a relationship.
After the analysis you have made, can you give us a definition of marriage?
- Marriage is a relationship of mutual dedication that is built. While compatibility between the parties is advisable, those who have been married for 50 years tell you that compatibility is not a requirement, but a consequence of loving each other.
Love is not two puzzle pieces that fit together, but two realities that merge to become a single reality. In marriage two people give themselves to build something together, to make the other happy and, as a consequence, they themselves are happy.
